Elena and Ned - Episode 1
Here it is! The first installment of new adventures of Elena and Ned!
This one starts with the Christmas story I posted in December but then has plenty of new stuff too!
Here’s Elena in The Temptress, where a bunch of the episode takes place. Can you blame Zana for always wanting to tear Elena’s clothes off? That lovable werecat is also in this episode!
I’ll be posting new Elena and Ned episodes every week!
If you haven’t read the first book, it’s a great time to catch up. You can get it on eBook, Paperback, Hardcover, or Audiobook!
Let me know what you think of this new episode! I’m making this one free for everyone but subsequent episodes will be for paid members.
Hope you enjoy the new episode!
Elena and Ned - Episode 1 - “Gargoyle Yule”
I sat the immaculately wrapped present on the desk in front of Ned. And by immaculate, I meant it looked like a five-year-old had done it. I always got super-hyper and excited when wrapping, creating a big mess. Of course, some people said I was always super-hyper, but that was just part of my charm.
Wait a minute, you might be saying. How the heck is this book starting off with a Christmas story when the last book ended with a big cliffhanger about me meeting my father for the first time? Listen, I can’t handle all that drama right off the bat, and I’m kinda freakin’ out that I’m part supernat. Oh, that’s my hip term for supernatural creatures. Everyone’s starting to use it!
So let’s just start with a fun holiday story and then get into the family drama. If you don’t like it, blame the weird writer who’s making all this stuff up. Except everything about me is not weird at all. It’s amazing!!
“Merry Christmas, partner!” I beamed at Ned and plopped a huge Santa hat on his head.
“What in the underworld are you doing?” he asked, flailing at the felt headwear.
“C’mon, you look cute.”
“Gargoyles are not supposed to look cute. We are distinguished creatures.”
“Well, you’re a cute distinguished creature. Plus, you promised that we’d be twinsies for Christmas.”
“I do not recall making such an agreement.”
“That’s because you have a bad memory. You should rely on me to tell you everything you need to know.”
Before he could dispel that suggestion, I forked the present into his face. “Oh, just open it will you?”
He took it gingerly. “Elena, gargoyles don’t celebrate Christmas. We—”
“I know, I know,” I interrupted. “Instead of Saint Nick, you have Saint Gregory the Gargoyle, who flies around to all the little gargoyles’ houses and drops presents down their chimneys. But only if they’ve been good and they leave out a gallon of milk for him to drink.”
He looked up from the present. “That is a surprisingly accurate recounting of the tale.”
“Hey, I pay attention when you tell me stuff. If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”
“That’s very n… wait a minute, what are you up to?”
“What? I’m not up to anything.”
“You’re being very nice.”
“I’m always nice. In fact, I’m the nicest human girl you’ll ever meet. You’re lucky to have such a super-cool chick as your partner.” I put my hands on my hips and posed proudly like all super-cute chicks liked to do.
He rolled his enormous eyes. “Yes, certainly the most modest human in history.”
I smiled. “Exactly! You totally get it! Now stop being a Grinch and open your present.”
“But Gargoyle Yule isn’t for two days.”
“I know, but it’s Christmas Eve and when I was a kid my mom always let me open one present that night. This year I want that present to be from you. And in your case, it’s, um, Gargoyle Yule Eve Eve, so you can open one too.” I nodded, knowing he would find my logic totally infallible.
He gazed at the wrapped gift in his hands. “Very well. That does sound like a nice tradition.”
“Of course. Human girls are pretty smart.”
Somehow he managed to resist pointing out that gargoyles were the most intelligent of all creatures and instead busied himself with unwrapping the present.
His eyes lit up when he had removed the paper. It was a super-gargoyle-sized milk stein, perfect for his daily guzzling of delicious dairy.
“Elena, this is a most thoughtful gift. Thank you.”
I beamed. I loved giving awesome presents. “Read the inscription!” I scurried around to peer over his shoulder.
He gazed at the text on the front. “Ned Nokokon, Greatest Gargoyle Detective in the Universe!” He glanced up at me. “That is a bit hyperbolic.”
“Hey, no big vocab words on Christmas. Plus, it’s true.”
He patted my hand. “I appreciate the sentiment.”
“Now read the back. That’s even better!”
He rotated the humongous mug and read the opposite side. “Bestie of the most amazing and beautiful human girl in history!”
He sighed. “Now you are really being hyperbolic.”
“Hey! Name one human girl who’s more amazing than me.”
He opened his mouth to respond.
“Oops, no time to answer! It is now the appointed hour to bestow your wonderful present to me.”
He did another eye roll, then opened a drawer and retrieved a gift. And this one really was immaculately wrapped. I was always amazed at how a creature with such large fingers possessed such amazing dexterity. Gargoyles were pretty cool.
I sat cross-legged on the desk and snatched the present, tearing it open in less than two seconds.
I gasped as I stared at the small cardboard box with the clear plastic front. Inside was Mochi Wochi Monkey, one of the rarest Chibibibis that existed. He was a mischievous but lovable monkey who got into lots of hijinks because he was addicted to drinking mochas and got hyped up on the caffeine. He had a very limited run because stupid-face parents complained that a mocha-addicted monkey wasn’t a good role model for kids. But he was so cute!!! And, c’mon, everyone was addicted to something. I mean, you could possibly say I was addicted to sex. You know, like maybe a little.
I was so excited my entire body shook, Chibibibi mania coursing through me.
“Elena, are you all right?” Ned asked with concern.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. “Oh Ned, I…” I flung myself into him, wrapping my arms around his massive neck while crying into his shirt.
“What’s wrong?” he asked in alarm. “I thought this would make you happy.”
“Ohhh I’m so happy!” I wailed, sobbing and blowing my nose on his shirt sleeve.
“Then why are you crying?”
“Girls cry sometimes when they’re super-happy.”
“Humans are very strange.”
I peppered his face with like a million kisses, which was 999,999 more than he deemed necessary. “Ned, this is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me! I swear that you will always be my gargoyle bestie and I will smother you with hugs and kisses every day.” I placed my hand over my chest, showing him I meant business.
“Er, that will not be necessary. A simple ‘thank you’ will suffice.”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” I gushed, followed by a zillion kisses.
Before I could embarrass him any more, the door flew open, and the most wonderful werecat in the world bounded in.
She skidded to a halt before the desk, posing in a sexy Santa dress and a similar hat to mine and Ned’s.
“Zana!” I exclaimed. “Oh my God, you look so hot!”
Her ears wiggled in appreciation. “Of course. Werecats like being sexy.”
“Werecats are very smart,” I replied. “Look what Ned got me!” I proffered Mochi Wochi Monkey to her.
“Ooh, that’s the one you told me you wanted really badly. Mr. Ned, you are a very sweet and cuddly friend to Elena.”
Ned frowned. “Will you two please stop casting such aspersions on me?”
“Uh oh, someone’s being a Grinch again. Zana, you know the best way to cure someone of being a super-poophead-grump?”
She shook her head adorably. “No, please tell me the secret, my sweet Elena.”
“A double hug and smooch from two cute girls!”
“Yay!”
We leapt onto Ned and gave him a dual-embrace attack, kissing both his cheeks. He grumbled about it, but I knew he secretly loved it.
“Oh, Zana, since you’re here,” I told her. “Why don’t you open one of your presents?”
Her nose twitched excitedly. “I love opening presents!”
I pointed to a large one under our office Christmas tree. It was impossible to fit a Gargoyle Yule tree inside: they were enormous. But Ned had said he was looking forward to going home and decorating his family’s sixty-foot tall tree.
Zana slashed the present open with her claws and then returned to human form, beaming. “A whole case of Meow Chow in nine different varieties! Yummmmmmmmmmmm!!!”
Before I knew what had happened, Zana had several cans open and cat food staining her ridiculously beautiful, ridiculously naked body. Guess she liked my gift.
“Great Galloping Gargoyles! Christmas is not the time to get naked!”
“But Christmas Eve is!” I replied.
“I will be departing.” He grabbed his coat off the rack, averting his gaze to the munching naked werecat, who was happily humming the Meow Chow jingle.
“I’ll meet you at Cass’s in a few minutes,” I told him. “Remember, we promised we’d swing by her holiday party at The Temptress.”
“Must we attend such frivolity?”
“Yes, we must. Because Cass is our friend and she always gives you lots of milk. Plus, she said she’s including some Gargoyle Yule traditions just for you this year.”
He rubbed his chin. “Perhaps it will be a worthwhile event after all.”
“There’s the Christmas, er, Gargoyle spirit!” I slapped him on the back, which unfortunately just made my hand sting. I kept forgetting how thick-skinned gargoyles were. “It may take me a little while to pry Zana away from her cat food.”
“I will inform Vampiress Cassia of your impending arrival. Please make sure Werecat Zana is fully clothed for the party.”
“Bleah!” Zana replied to that idea, then happily went back to shoving cat food in her face.
Ned held up the lapel of his coat to block his vision of Zana as he exited.
I very happily did not block the amazing vision of the beautiful nude kitty a few feet away from me. “I’m glad you like your gaaaaaaaaa!”
She pounced on me mid-sentence, giving me a sloppy cat food kiss. “I love it! It’s a real Meow Chow Christmas!”
I giggled. “It sure is. But we should go join Ned at the bar soon.”
She nodded. “Yes. But first, Meow Chow sex!” She tore off my clothes and showed me just how amorous a werecat could be when she was hopped up on cat food.
This was going to be the best Christmas ever!
We arrived at The Temptress, both wearing cute Santa hats and sexy Santa dresses. The party was in full swing, the whole place decorated for all different supernat holidays: Gargoyle Yule, Elvenholly, Sasquatch Solstice, and Nymphy Night, which was when all nymphs had a huge orgy. Of course, that was pretty much every night for nymphs. They had great holidays!
Ned was at the bar downing a gargoyle-sized mug of eggnog. Since the winter treat was milk-based, it was right up his alley.
Zana and I hopped on stools next to him.
“Sexy vampire proprietress!” I called. “Two more mugs of your finest eggnog, please.”
Cassia popped up from behind the bar. She was the gorgeous Malaysian vamp who owned The Temptress. And a great informant as long as you were willing to donate a little blood. She wore a sparkling, low-cut red dress, the glitter drawing my attention to her immaculate bosom. But I only looked for a second as I was trying to mainly peep on Zana since we had become meow mates.
“Sure thing, love,” Cass replied in her seductively smooth voice. “Who’s the second eggnog for?”
“Zanuhhh, where’d she go?” My furry paramour was no longer on the stool but at my feet, snoozing in her feline form in the cat bed Cass kept at the bar for her. Her dress was torn to shreds, but the Santa hat still rested between her cat ears, which made her look even more adorable than usual.
“I will be happy to drink Werecat Zana’s eggnog on her behalf,” Ned nobly offered.
I shrugged and dumped the contents of the one mug into his tankard, then sipped mine. “Mmm, soooo good!”
Cass giggled.
“What?” I asked, wondering what ridiculous thing I had done this time.
“You have an eggnog mustache, love.”
“Oh, that’s okay! I bet I look super-cute with it.”
Ned snorted, apparently thinking I looked silly rather than cute.
“You know, my gargoyle friend,” Cass said, leaning forward onto the bar and showing off even more of her gravity-defying cleavage. “You have an eggnog mustache too, and even larger than Elena’s.”
“Ha!” I proclaimed. “Told you we were twinsies!”
He quickly pawed a napkin and wiped his upper lip. “Er, thank you for informing me, Vampiress Cassia. It appears I got carried away drinking such a delicious beverage.”
“It’s Gargoyle Yule Eve Eve,” I replied. “You’re supposed to get carried away.”
“Gargoyle Yule Eve Eve is not really a thing.”
“It is now! I always come up with amazing ideas that everyone adopts immediately.”
“Yes, everyone certainly looks to you for lifestyle advice.” He went back to drinking while I decided to stick my tongue out at him for his sarcastic gargoyle remark.
Then I got a better look at the tankard he was drinking from. It was the milk stein I had just given him!
I hugged his bicep, making him slosh some of his beverage onto the bar.
“Elena! What in the underworld are you doing?”
“You’re using the gift I just got you! So even though you’re pretending to be a big grump, you really do love me and will now bring my gift with you wherever you go.”
“I, er, that is…” he stuttered. “It is only right to use a friend’s Gargoyle Yule Eve Eve present as soon as possible.”
I beamed. He loved me, loved my present, and was even using Gargoyle Yule Eve Eve. I was so influential! “Especially when it’s a gift from your human bestie!”
“Er, yes, especially then.”
Cass’s tits almost popped out of her top in shock. “I’ve never seen him express this much emotion,” she told me. “He must be drunk on eggnog.”
“Do not be preposterous,” he replied. “I am merely in the Gargoyle Yule spirit.”
I continued to cling to his arm all affectionate-like. “And Zana and I gave him a double lap dance back at our office.”
Eggnog spurted out of his nose, coating Cass’s dress and cleavage.
“Ned!” she protested. “You did it again.”
I guffawed, fondly remembering the time he sprayed milk all over Cass’s chest after another of my outrageous exclamations.
My guffawing was so intense I fell off the stool and into Zana’s cat bed.
She momentarily woke up, licked my face, then went back to sleep, curling her body up against me. She was cozy and warm and I felt like snoozing with her like that for the rest of the night.
“Great Galloping Gargoyles!” Ned thundered. “Elena, you are not wearing any undergarments!”
Whoops. I had forgotten that tidbit and hadn’t realized my dress had risen in the bed, showing off my bare tush and, um, other stuff.
I jumped up and smoothed my dress down. “Ned! You don’t have to announce it to the whole bar.”
“Yes he does!” a couple dozen supernat patrons replied, ogling my legs.
I waved at them. “Oh, thanks! Next free peep show will be at ten o’clock.”
Ned yanked my hand down. “Stop encouraging such uncouth behavior.”
“You’re the one who started it with your very inappropriate shouting.”
“Er, my apologies. I was merely taken off guard. You promised you would wear underwear in my presence.”
“I know, but Zana said she wouldn’t go out unless we went commando. You know how she loves being totally naked, so this was a sexy compromise.”
“I prefer non-sexy compromises,” he replied.
“I actually have some of your underwear upstairs, love,” Cass purred, having changed outfits in the blink of an eye. “You tend to leave them after our late night snack sessions.”
I blushed. I was usually in such a sexual tizzy after Cass bit me, and did lots of other stuff, that I stumbled out of The Temptress without any panties. Though usually I remembered to put on my other clothes. “Ack! I forgot about that. I need all my panties back so I can give them to Zana.”
“Werecats love their meow mate’s panties!” Zana announced from the cat bed, then promptly went back to sleep.
“Can we please return to the holiday festivities and cease talking about panties, er, undergarments?” Ned requested.
“Sure,” Cass replied, ducking behind the bar and emerging with a gallon of chocolate milk. “Here’s something to wash down the eggnog with.”
Ned’s eyes lit up. He downed the rest of the eggnog and snatched the chocolate milk. “An excellent way to celebrate Gargoyle Yule. You run a fine establishment, Vampiress Cassia.”
Cass smirked. “That’s quite a compliment coming from the gargoyle who used to refuse to step foot in here.”
“Er, yes, well, that is only because my irreverent partner made it sound like sexual shenanigans were always taking place in here.”
“When did I ever make it sound like that?” I protested after slurping more eggnog.
“When you constantly carried on about Vampire Cassia biting you in discreet locations.”
“Ohh, yup, that is pretty sexy.” My mind wandered to the pinprick marks Cass had left on my thighs, hips, and ass during my many blood donation sessions with her. But then I glanced down at Zana and realized the only one I wanted biting me was her. Or licking me. Werecat tongues were very agile and could seek all my naughty nooks and crannies.
A gust of cold air tickled my nether regions as the doors to the bar burst open.
A gargoyle walked in, brushing snow off his enormous head. “Cousin Ned, thank goodness I found you.”
Ned turned in surprise. “Cousin Fred, how did you know I was here?”
“I told him!” I volunteered. “We’re texting buddies.”
Ned frowned. “Has she been pestering you about free food vouchers again?”
“Of course not! I never pester people.” Okay, I had totally been pestering Fred about food vouchers. He was the proprietor of my favorite amusement park, Magical Miscreants, and had promised me free food for life after Ned and I had solved his ghost mystery. So it really wasn’t pestering since we had earned all the super-greasy, super-scrumptious food.
Ned harrumphed and turned back to his cousin. “Is there another problem at your park you need our assistance with?”
“The ghosts aren’t going on strike again, are they?” I asked in concern.
“No, no,” Fred replied. “They’ve been very happy with their new benefits. Happy ghosts means happy customers!”
“That’s a great motto!” I exclaimed. “So what’s the problem? Are ruffians causing a ruckus? Are galloping ghouls gyrating in public? Is Gabby the Gorgon mesmerizing people with her luscious locks?”
Ned rolled his eyes. “Could you please suggest a reasonable problem?”
“Hey, I always get mesmerized by Gabby.”
“That’s because you are a sex maniac.”
“Thank you!”
“Hoho,” Fred chuckled. “The little lady certainly keeps you on your toes, Cousin Ned.” I didn’t take the little lady comment as a disparagement. All humans were little compared to gargoyles.
“Yes!” I cheered. “I’m a great influence on Ned.”
Ned muttered something incomprehensible while Fred continued filling us in. “There’s no problems with the park. It’s much bigger than that.”
My eyes went wide. “What could be bigger than a threat to the greatest theme park in the world?”
Fred beamed. “I definitely need to make you a Magical Miscreants spokesperson. But it is worse than that. Gargoyle Yule could be ruined this year!”